My mental and emotional health journey that saved a relationship: Carla’s story

My journey of mental and emotional health transformation began when I moved to Michigan because my husband got promoted.  We moved halfway across the country to a brand-new state, my daughter's husband had recently gotten out of the military, and they needed to move in with us with their young son.  So here I am in a new place, all my friends left behind, a new home, and all the stresses that come with that.  In addition, I had the stress of another family living with us.

My relationship with my daughter had been difficult for many years, we would argue a lot.  Little things would set me off, like when I would ask her to do something and was frequently met with so many questions like, “why?” or she would not always do the things that we agreed upon when we moved in together.  I would react to her like I did when she was little.  I knew it wasn’t the right way, but I didn’t know how to fix it.  Things soon came to a head, and I realized something had to be done.  I became afraid that I would lose her, and I didn’t want that to happen.

I was angry, bitter, resentful, and sad. My main thought was, “I can't wait for them to find their own place”. I thought I just wanted my house back. My fear was they would be living with us for a long, long time. I felt so negative about the whole experience.

Many years ago, I had seen a counselor to help me work through some things around the loss of my father. I have always believed that counseling can help you significantly when you are feeling stuck, and here I was “stuck” again. So, I found a counselor to help me. At the same time, I enrolled in a health coaching program, and deepened my faith in God, trusting that he would show me what I needed to do.

I learned ways to cope with my feelings about my daughter with the help of my counselor and through the mental and emotional health education I received. I started putting some of these techniques into practice, such as when I would feel agitated, overwhelmed, or would start to feel angry I would practice a little self-care. I would go to my quiet space which was my bedroom and take some deep breaths, or I would go for a walk in our neighborhood or go to the park, and I would pray.

It wasn't until I threw my hands up in frustration and prayed to God, “please take her, I can’t do this alone anymore” that things changed. In surrendering to Him, I immediately knew this is what He wanted me to do all along, but I couldn’t see it.  I thought, “He is not going to work with me until I let go of my pride”, so I did.  This was my “aha” moment.  He was telling me to quit trying to “fix it” on your own because you can’t, but I can.  When I “let go” of that pride and listened, that was when I was able to clearly “see” what it was I needed to do to make the relationship with my daughter better.

I was beginning to realize that it wasn't all her fault that our relationship was in bad shape.  She had only been responding to how I was treating her.  She didn't know how to regulate her emotions because I never taught her how.  And I didn’t teach her because I wasn't taught how to either.  This is when the light bulb went off and I knew that I needed to start working on myself!  This was a game changer.

I went to my daughter and apologized for my part in not taking care of her emotional needs when she was younger.  I was so blinded by her difficult to deal with behavior that I didn't see her cry for help. I don't think we realize how much of our upbringing impacts how we raise our children.

With the help of my counselor, I realized that I had suffered emotional trauma as a child, and she helped me to understand and learn how to regulate my emotions and walked me through the trauma so I could move on. At this point, I was able to show myself some grace.

In recognising all of this and addressing this with my daughter, our relationship became better than I could have ever hoped for.

I continued in counselling and prayed for understanding and help in changing what needed changing.

My journey took about three years to work through. The biggest obstacles were that I would get ‘lazy’, and fall back into dysregulated emotions when a hard situation arose. I would hold things in and not communicate well. When I realized I was off track, I would course correct, remembering the better way to handle things. As I did, I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I was able to breathe. I am in a better place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am more confident, and a better communicator. I feel empowered, and I am a better wife, mother, and friend.

Trusting the coaching I received and giving up on the desire to control everything is freedom.  When we take time to step away from our difficulties, assess the situation, and determine what is needed to fix it, then we can take the necessary steps to bring about change.

My vision for the future is for people who struggle with mental and emotional health to not procrastinate and seek the help they need so they can live life to the fullest. I can hold space for them to share their story without judgment and ask questions to help them reframe beliefs about themselves that don't serve them.  I believe it is possible for people to heal when they have the right individuals in their lives who can listen well and walk alongside them on their journey to a better body, mind and spirit.

After recognising all the ways that physical and emotional support changed my life, I am looking forward to supporting other people on their journeys. Get in touch with me if you would like me to assist you on your journey.